


Velveeta Cheese and Vampire-Zombies

by whenshewrites



Series: A Collection of One-Shots and Tumblr Prompts [68]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Derek Hale is Bad at Feelings, Derek Hale is Not Amused, Derek Hale is Not a Failwolf, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, For reasons, Idiots in Love, Literal idiots, M/M, Monster of the Week, One Shot, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Stiles Stilinski Loves Derek Hale, Stiles Stilinski is a Little Shit, Stiles Stilinski is a Tease, The Hale Pack - Freeform, Tumblr Prompt, Wolf Derek Hale, velveeta cheese is involved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:15:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24632173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whenshewrites/pseuds/whenshewrites
Summary: The night started with a vampire-zombie hunt. It ended with Derek kicking everyone out of the pack.
Relationships: Allison Argent/Scott McCall, Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Series: A Collection of One-Shots and Tumblr Prompts [68]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1956889
Comments: 12
Kudos: 343





	Velveeta Cheese and Vampire-Zombies

“If we both stick to the story, they can’t prove anything.”

“Stiles,” Derek said, looking over at him in exasperation. “There’s nothing to prove. They aren’t going to ask.”

Stiles came to a full stop and looked at the man. Derek was wearing mom jeans that rode up to his calves and a flower blouse; the only clothes they could find out in the middle of nowhere on some poor unsuspecting woman’s clothesline. Because Stiles wasn’t handing over any of his own clothes. And about two hours prior, Derek had been naked.

Derek glowered under his pointed stare. “Shut up.”

“I haven’t said anything, Sourwolf, other than the fact that you look like a housewife with untamable eyebrows.”

“Stiles, I’m going to rip your throat out.”

Stiles only grinned and started walking again. He probably could’ve offered over his jacket, but it was cold and, well, Stiles didn’t want to. This was much more entertaining.

“You know,” Stiles said, glancing over again. “Erica is never going to let this go.”

“Then Erica’s out of the pack.”

“Terrible decision, dude. The others with mutiny.”

“Then they’re out of the pack too.”

Stiles snorted, unable to help himself. Derek’s face and ears were bright red and he was walking with his shoulders hunched over, as if that would somehow make him invisible. Stiles couldn’t believe this was how his Saturday night was going. He was either incredibly lucky or very cursed. Maybe a bit of both.

It all started with the Monster of the Week, as most things do.

\- 

“It’s a Vetala, Stiles, not a zombie.”

“Yeah, well,” Stiles said, rolling his eyes. “The definition of a Vetala is a vampire creature that inhabits dead corpses. Sounds a lot like a zombie to me. Why can’t we just have a normal monster chase for once?”

“What, you want more Alphas?”

Stiles turned around in his chair and glared at Derek, who was sitting on the edge of his bed with his arms crossed. They’d been at this for hours; first research, then arguing over what the damn thing was, and finally, why it was not accurate for Stiles to call it a zombie.

“I’m just saying,” Stiles said, slouching back in his chair. “It’s much easier to tell the pack we’re hunting a zombie than a… Vetala. Which sounds like that brand of cheese, by the way. Velveeta. Do you really think they’ll take hunting cheese very seriously?”

“It’s not cheese, it’s a vampire inhabiting a corpse. They should be taking it seriously.”

“Yeah, well, I vote for zombie. It’s simpler.”

Derek rolled his eyes, but didn’t press the subject any further. Which might’ve been how they ended up back at the loft Saturday morning, telling the pack they were hunting a zombie creature that was part vampire. Everyone was strangely okay with that.

“Fine,” Erica said. “But I reserve the right to be the one ripping its head off when things come down to it.”

“Uh, why?”

“Because,” she said. “I watch a lot of walking dead and I’m a badass. Clearly, I’m qualified. Plus, who doesn’t want to say they’ve killed a zombie?”

“It’s part vampire,” Derek grumbled. Stiles covered up a grin.

“Sounds fair,” he said. “Erica, you get killing rights if you corner it first. My dad closed the preserve to the public all weekend, so we’ve got all today and tomorrow to track this thing. Which means we’re doing the buddy system, pups. Understand?”

Like he’d expected, that triggered a series of ‘I’m with you’ and ‘I’m not with you’ and by the time they were finished, he turned to Scott with a grin. Only to see the boy standing next to Allison with an apologetic look on his face.

Stiles narrowed his eyes. “Wait. I didn’t think this through.”

“Derek still needs a partner,” Lydia said, a smug look on her face. Stiles turned around to see Derek looking even more sullen, standing off to the side with his grumpy eyebrows on.

“Right,” Stiles said, chuckling weakly. “Three cheers for the buddy system!”

Derek didn’t look impressed. His eyebrows turned grumpier.

Which was how Stiles spent his Saturday night tromping through the preserve with a grouchy Alpha werewolf. Because that’s exactly how he’d seen his weekend going.

“You know,” Stiles said, if only to break the silence. “You might’ve been right about the whole ‘mention the vampire to the pack’ thing.”

“Really, Stiles?”

“I mean, how unfortunate would it be if Jackson became a zombie-vampire’s midnight meal? We’d all be so crushed.”

Derek glanced over at him, seeming to recognize the sarcasm. Stiles grinned brightly and the man rolled his eyes, turning back to searching the forest. Sighing, Stiles burrowed deeper into his jacket and fought the urge to shiver. 

“Are you cold?” Derek asked. Stiles shrugged.

“Only a little.”

“Do you… want my jacket?”

Stiles looked at him with fond amusement and even in the darkness, he could make out Derek’s red ears. Chuckling softly, Stiles shook his head. “Keep your jacket, Sourwolf. I’ll live.”

Derek made a noncommittal grunting noise. Stiles grinned and faced back forward, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“The faster we find the cheese, the faster we’ll be out of these woods, anyway.”

“Would you stop calling it cheese?”

“Vetala sounds like Velveeta and I will die on that hill.”

Derek rolled his eyes and looked like he was going to say something else— when suddenly, his eyes flashed red and he stiffened. Stiles came to a stop, flipping on his flashlight, but Derek quickly pushed the light downward. Red eyes searched the forest and he growled lowly.

“Derek? Is it… close?”

Something suddenly darted out of the trees and Stiles yelped, jumping back and ramming into Derek’s chest. The man let out a growl of surprise and Stiles lifted his flashlight like a weapon; only to realize it was a raccoon, freezing in sight and blinking at them. Then it turned around and darted back into the underbrush.

Stiles grimaced. Carefully, not looking at Derek, he peeled himself away from the man’s chest and focused his gaze on the ground. Only when he heard the strangest noise— and looked over to see Derek  _ chuckling,  _ did he glare in indignation and cross his arms.

“Oh shut up, Sourwolf, you were startled too.”

“Are you scared of the cheese, Stiles?”

“I thought we weren’t call it that.”

Derek’s only response was another chuckle, which Stiles thought was highly unfair because he rather enjoyed hearing that sound, but his face was also fifty shades of red. Glowering, he lowered his flashlight again and tried to shake off his nerves.

Right as a loud screech filled the air.

The thing that came shooting out of the shadows was all white bone, mangled limbs, and sunken eyes, and the very sight made Stiles freeze where he stood. Faintly, he heard Derek roar his name, and then he was being tackled sideways, right as the Vetala moved passed with a swipe of claws. 

Derek drove him into the ground and rolled, shoving himself up and standing between them. The Vetala slashed forward again and Derek didn’t dodge in time; the man roared as the creature’s claws slashed through shirt and skin. Stiles scrambled to his feet, but Derek shot him a blood-red gaze, teeth bared.

“Stiles, stay back.”

The Vetala leaped forward again and this time, it was Derek who landed the blow. The creature screeched again, stumbling backward, and Stiles watched as Derek began to change. He didn’t often get a glimpse of Derek’s full-shift form, but within seconds, Derek was a growling black wolf and the Vetala circled it, hollow eyes tracking his every move.

Stiles heard a distant howl; in response to Derek’s earlier roar, probably. But it was too far away. They weren’t going to be getting any help anytime soon.

The Vetala leaped forward and it was a blur of grotesque limbs and black fur as the two fought. Stiles gripped his flashlight tighter, feeling utterly useless.

The Vetala came out on top. Claws dug into Derek’s shoulder and the werewolf snapped his jaws; missing every time. Making up his mind, Stiles started forward. Derek growled out a warning only a second before Stiles’s flashlight connected with the back of the Vetala’s head with a loud  _ crack  _ and the thing dropped sideways.

Stiles gagged and dropped his flashlight, stumbling backward. The creature’s head had a firm dent in the side and it wasn’t moving. In front of his eyes, the body turned back to rotted skin and bone, and the smell wafting off made Stiles’s eyes water. He averted his gaze, fighting the urge to heave.

“Oh my god, that’s disgusting.”

He heard a low grunting sound and looked over to see Derek transforming from wolf to man again, only to look sharply away once more. Of course, the man was very naked.

“Dude!” he yelped. “Genitals!”

“Really, Stiles?”

“Yes, really! Put some clothes on!”

“I can’t,” Derek said, and Stiles could hear him moving forward. “They ripped. Give me your jacket.”

Stiles glanced over a little, trying to focus on Derek’s face and nothing else. It was more difficult than he’d ever admit and he hated that Derek looked a little amused at that. The man’s shoulder was in tatters, but the skin was slowly knitting back together. That was disgusting too.

“Stiles,” Derek said again. “Jacket, now.”

“You’re gonna get blood on it, dude. This is my favorite jacket!”

Derek sighed heavily. “I’ll buy you another.”

“This is one of a kind!”

“You got it from goodwill. I was there.”

“Exactly, Sourwolf, I’ll never find one like it again. Plus, it’s red. Red is my color!”

Derek didn’t look impressed, holding out a hand. Stiles glared, but stripped off his jacket off. The cold night air hit him full force and Stiles shoved it over. 

“The second we find you different clothes, I want it back.”

“Where are we going to find different clothes?”

And that was how Derek ended up in mom jeans, a blouse, and the grumpiest expression on his face that Stiles had ever seen. It was all rather amusing.

Derek didn’t seem to think so.

\- 

“Remember when you said they wouldn’t ask?” Stiles said, as Erica doubled over with laughter and even Allison looked like she was trying not to chuckle. Derek’s face was bright red and he glared down at his blouse, not meeting Stiles’s gaze. “I think this is them ‘not asking’.”

“I ripped my clothes saving your life,” Derek said. “I think that’s understandable.”

“Actually, I saved your life. Who bashed in the Vetala’s head again?”

“The what?” Scott asked, looking confused. “Vetala? Do you mean Velveeta?”

“Wait,” Jackson said. “We were hunting cheese?”

Stiles couldn’t help it, bursting into laughter. Derek’s face was scarlet red as he turned away and stalked toward the parking lot, the words  _ “you’re all out of the pack!”  _ echoing through the air. His mom jeans rode up even higher as he walked and Stiles laughed harder.

Stiles didn’t know how his Saturday had turned out like this. But he wasn’t complaining.

Not anymore, at least.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the Tumblr prompt: "If we both stick to the story, they can’t prove anything.” and somehow we got to this point. The comments/support you guys leave makes my day and I hope you all enjoyed! 
> 
> Come hang with me on Tumblr (or send a prompt!):
> 
> [the dumpster](https://when-she-writes-stuff.tumblr.com/)


End file.
